Tag Archives: ego

the weekend nurture menu: is it selfish to focus on the self?

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[As always, gluten-free, dairy-free, and refined-sugar-free!]

A friend approached me last week asking for advice on relationships, eating, and her overall quality of life. I told her that once she loves herself in abundance, those issues will fall away. Her response: “Isn’t loving myself that much selfish?”

Our western, modern culture trains us with a paradox of individualism juxtaposed with selflessness. In other words, we are taught the American dream, fighting our way to individual success, yet we’re chastised along the way for being selfish.

This is the battle of ego–”You’re not good enough” vs. “You’re focusing too much on yourself.” Notably, ego and arrogance isn’t just about being full of yourself. It also refers to self-hate. You hate yourself for not being this perfect image, but you won’t allow yourself to indulge in the means to discover your perfection.

Here’s a better question: why do you deserve your love? My mentor, life coach, and friend, Richard Butler, signs everything he writes with the answer:

YOU MATTER.

That’s it. You matter. You deserve happiness. You deserve indulgence. You deserve love. You can’t blame anyone else for not giving you those things when you can’t give them to yourself. When you live from a place of self-love, you can give from abundance and not from depletion. Suddenly, you are way more selfless by being selfish.

This weekend’s menu combines foods that embody this type of love… a creamy, sweet-and-salty soup AND chocolate cake. Yes, chocolate cake.

sweet potato, coconut milk, and peanut soup
serves 4

  • 1 tablespoon canola oil
  • 3 medium onions diced, about 3 cups
  • 4 cloves garlic, minced
  • 6 cups vegetable broth
  • 2 pounds sweet potatoes, peeled and cut into 1 to 2-inch chunks
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 1 13-ounce can “lite” coconut milk
  • ¾ cup unsalted roasted peanuts
  • 3 tablespoons lime juice
  • Chopped cilantro, chopped peanuts, and chili sauce or Sriracha for garnish
  1. Heat oil in a large heavy-bottomed soup pot or Dutch oven over medium heat. Add onion and garlic and cook, stirring often until the onion is starting to soften and brown, 5 to 6 minutes. Add celery, broth, sweet potato and salt, increase heat to high, cover and bring to a boil. Reduce heat to maintain a simmer and cook, removing lid to stir occasionally, until the potatoes are very soft and fall apart when tested with a fork or tongs, about 15 minutes.
  2. Puree about half of the soup in a blender in two batches and add back to the pot. Puree the coconut milk and peanuts in a blender until smooth, about 1 minute. Stir the coconut mixture and the lime juice into the soup. Gently stir over low heat to warm through. Do not boil. Serve garnished with cilantro, chopped peanuts and Sriracha to taste. [Try over quinoa or brown rice for a loving, complete meal.]

[adapted from healthyseasonalrecipes.com]

do you love yourself enough to allow this cake indulgence?

Granted, without flour, sugar, or dairy, this chocolate cake isn’t so rich and decadent. It is delicious and nourishing! When you give yourself permission to indulge–out of love–a piece or two will satisfy that craving.

chocolate cake
serves 6-8

  • 2 cups fresh medjool dates, pitted
  • 1 cup raw almonds or hazelnuts, soaked
  • 1 bar 80% dark chocolate, coarsely chopped
  • 6 organic eggs
  • 1 lemon or orange, juice and zest
  • 1 tsp vanilla extract or ground vanilla
  • 3 tbsp unsweetened cacao powder
  • 4 tbsp extra virgin coconut oil, melted
  • 1 handful fresh berries or thawed frozen
  1. Set the oven at 340F. Spray spring form pan with oil or cover cake pan with wax paper.
  2. Mix the dates and nuts in a blender and place the mixture in a large bowl. Add the rest of the ingredients an stir around with a large spoon for about a minute. Pour the batter in a cake tin.
  3. Bake for 40-50 minutes. Serve with love and berries.

[adapted from greenkitchenstories.com]

You’re not selfish for loving yourself. You deserve your love.

YOU MATTER.

xo, S

take your own advice: connect with your inner guide

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When something in your life is off balance and you need guidance, who or what do you turn to? What if you can connect to yourself so that you always know how to find the answer to any life question?

Your magnificent inner guide…

Believe or not, we’re all wise. We all have this great depth of knowledge that speaks to every question we wish to answer. My truth may be different from your truth, but it is truth nonetheless.

Too often, though, the ego–the fear–drowns out truth. Fear can be so loud that we reach out externally–to others, to jobs, to substances, to facebook–to give us the wisdom that we seek. Because externals can’t give us the answers we need for self-love, resentment, self-hate, and doubt manifest.

For example, I used to berate myself when I didn’t enjoy going to crowded bars. For too long, I thought there was something wrong with me. I kept trying to change into someone else and listen to others advice. It was making them happy, why didn’t it work for me?

“When you’re trying to make something happen, you’re communicating with your ego. Your [inner guide] won’t ask you to change anything on the outside. Instead it will guide you to change your mind.” -Gabrielle Bernstein

Indeed, my inner guide was there the whole time just waiting to be heard. I was seeking some sort of external answer when really the only thing I needed was to listen internally.

I’m referring to the nagging voice deep down, the gut, the intuition, that is telling you something is off–that there is something more. That voice inside me was screaming!

When you can’t decipher between what your inner guide is saying and what your head is saying, the inner guide is likely the less popular, more uncomfortable choice.

How can you connect to your inner guide?

Begin by knowing that you have an inner guide. Notice times in your life when you feel at peace, when something feels wrong, when foods make you feel good. In others words, feel. We have a tendency to run from too much sensation, so if you struggle with this, start small. Feel the clothes you’re wearing. Feel the air on your skin. Try to get in touch with your body.

When you begin to connect with your reactions, move forward with the communication.

I recently began a daily practice of prayer, talking to my inner guide, and meditation, listening for the answer, inspired by Gabrielle Bernstein…

She recommends asking your inner guide, “Where would you have me go? What would you have me do? What would you have me say? And to whom? ” I like to tack on the question, “How would you have me live?”

Then I do a 5-10 minute meditation. On the inhale, I say “I welcome guidance.” On the exhale, I say, “I will receive guidance.” The prayer is putting energy into the universe that I am going to trust myself. The meditation is surrendering to my inner guide.

Every answer is inside of you. When you connect with your inner guide, you will discover that.

get the negative voice out of your head and find you

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You know that negative voice in your head? The one that says things like “You’re not  ___ (fill in: smart, pretty, accomplished, etc.).” Maybe it says, “You’ll never find a partner,” “Your too needy,” or “you’re not meant to be one of the happy ones.” Conversely, it could say, “You’re obviously the best ___ here.”

Any and all of the variations on these statements are false. They’re the ego, or the negative voice, rearing its ugly head.

The word “ego” does not necessarily mean arrogant or egotistical. Arrogant statements, like the demeaning manifestations of the voice, take you out of the present moment. The statements separate and compare you to others, hoping to find some false sense of superiority or inferiority.

Fact: you are not “better” or “worse” than anyone. You have just as much of a right to happiness as any person you know. (Even if the ego is telling you that you don’t!)

Why does your ego like to tell you otherwise?

Simply, your ego is afraid of death. This voice is so incredibly fearful of obliteration that it likes to take situations to the extreme. Fear of death is what drives the ego and if there is a chance that it could be destroyed out there in the world, it will give you a reason not to try.

YOU, however, are not that voice. You are not separate or comparable to anyone. You are capable of so much, despite what the ego is telling you. When you quiet this voice, you can discover the miraculous you.

Can you show this ego that risk and death are not to be feared?

In the The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle says it best:

“The secret to life is to “die before you die”– and find that there is no death.”

Essentially, refuse to give the ego power. Move forward. Risk. Challenge your fear of death and prove that not being the __ (fill in: smartest, prettiest, most accomplished, etc.), doesn’t actually kill you. Let the ego die and realize that there is no death.

Lovely concept, right? But how do you get the thoughts out of your head?

Well, I envision my ego as a gnome on my shoulder. Yes, a garden gnome. This has nothing to do with religious, spiritual, or cultural upbringing. Envisioning my ego as a gnome is personal. You can laugh at my gnome. I laugh at my gnome. That is the point.

I have ridiculous thoughts come up too (everyone does!). The difference in people is how much power each person gives to the thoughts. I choose to see my ego as a silly gnome, because I want to laugh at these ridiculous thoughts and take away their power.

True story, I actually heard my ego say that I’m fat. I give you this example because, factually, there couldn’t be anything further from the truth. I’ve been blessed with skinny genes and an intense love of yoga and health food. Nevertheless, sometimes my ego likes to tell me this is true. I imagine the gnome on my shoulder speaking this nonsense and I laugh at the little man.

When you choose not to identify with these ideas, even take them out of your head and see them as a gnome on your shoulder, you can see how ridiculous they are.

Moral of the story: these statements are not true. YOU are the awesomeness underneath the voice. Practice getting the voice out of your head and find that awesomeness.