Tag Archives: freedom

approval wanted

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7fa97d610411eeda244b8e76a9bb32c7Do you make choices to avoid disapproval or criticism, rather than what is most valuable, effective or important to you? Do you find yourself wanting permission to do things? Do you feel a sense of failure or depletion if you’re not complimented on your work?

There is an epidemic of approval-seeking. We suffer from an unhealthy wanting for affirmation. For some, the quest for approval is an actual addiction–self-worth must come from the outside world because its absent within.

there are two types of approval…

  1. An active pursuit for some form of validation (“Do you like it?,” sending your crush a text, “Can you review my work?”); and,
  2. A passive wanting that pervades your choices, actions, and words.

…on two levels…

  1. The macro-level, i.e. major life choices, type of degree, life partner, jobs, place of residence; and,
  2. The micro-level, i.e. facebook/twitter/instagram posts, meal/exercise choices, clothing choices.

ac394309633d7d0016e92929caaeb318under-achieving or over-achieving?

Approval- seeking can negatively impact your performance by under-achieving and over-achieving.

Are you procrastinating, not achieving what you’re capable of, and constantly ruminating instead of acting?  This approval-seeking  through avoidance is exhausting you. By releasing the wanting, you’ll be free to achieve what you want with less stress and effort.

Alternatively, perhaps you’re getting great results in some areas, but its at the expense of joy. In this case, the approval-wanting emerges in doing too much, trying to please everyone, not making time for yourself, working too hard, and being unable to say no. It is causing you to do things for others at the expense of yourself.

letting the approval-wanting go

desertPractice letting go of seeking validation. A few tips:

  • When you feel the wanting to get permission, send a text, post a status, quit your job–ask why? What will happen if you don’t get approval? Simply bring awareness to the feelings that come up.
  • Notice your language, self-talk, and behavior, and identifying when it is coming from wanting someone else to say you’re that you made the right choice, and most importantly, approve whom you choose to be.
  • Evaluate your daily/weekly tasks. Ask yourself what is really necessary and important, and what is driven by people pleasing. Eliminate the “people pleasing” tasks.
  • When you make a decision, check in that it feels right, remind yourself that it is your choice, and give yourself validation for just being you.
  • Be honest with yourself when you take on a new task or commitment, whether you are doing it because it is “right” for you or because you want to get approval and avoid disapproval.

Note: this is a “want” for approval, not a “need.” You do not NEED approval to survive. You’re whole without it. When you let go of the wanting, just a little bit, you’re no longer constrained. You’re free to be you–all of you.

a holiday today and everyday

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In the USA, the official Thanksgiving holiday was yesterday. Today can be a holiday too, along with tomorrow and everyday. Why would we limit the abundance to one day?

no inherent meaning of a holiday

Merriam-Webster defines “holiday” as “holy day.” Without taking away the significance of designated holy days, there is nothing inherently holy about these days. Yes, birth, death, freedom occurred on such and such a day many years ago, but the actual event did not occur on this day this year. Still, we continue to make a day holy because society, family, etc. tells us to do so.

These external influences have designated decorations, food, and rituals for these days, yet, again, these practices are culturally constructed, not inherently real. In other words, there is no inherent holiness to any day. We construct a day’s meaning. If we’re free to create our own meaning for our days, why then do we choose to have gratitude last for only one day a year?

purpose of a holiday

Regardless of their construction, the purpose of a holy day is remembrance and celebration. Oh so beautifully, we are given these calendar reminders to be grateful and aware–to celebrate love and freedom.

Perhaps because of a different sleep schedule, I received words of gratitude this morning (the day after Thanksgiving) from my dear friend, Cameron (“Cam”). Now Cam sends words of gratitude frequently throughout year. She has cultivated a practice of love and mindfulness that enriches all who come into contact with her. To Cam, Thanksgiving is just another day for unabated generosity. This show of gratitude the day after the designated day speaks to the value of an everyday-gratitude practice.

The practice of gratitude on calendar holy days exists because, collectively, we cultivate this meaning. Collectively, we must bring sacredness and gratitude to today and everyday.

gratitude everyday

It may not be your style to send messages of love and gratitude like Cam, and I know she would say to embrace who you are. Instead, while you can use the holy day as a reminder, allow everyday to be a practice in gratitude. Bring this sense of abundance into your Mondays and Tuesdays, not because the calendar and society says so, rather the life we’re given is holy. It’s a holy day everyday.

“If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, “thank you,” that would suffice.” -Meister Eckhart

choice and acceptance–It is what it is!

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Everyday you make thousands of choices to define who you are–you go into the office, instead of flying to Maui, or you decide to read a book about politics, instead of watching “The Bachelor Pad”… you get the idea.

For every ‘yes’ you say to life–”Yes, I will go for a run”–you say ‘no’ to another path–”No, I will not sit on my couch and eat chips.” You have an overwhelming number of choices in how you can proceed. This can be scary or it can be liberating. The trick is to know when and how to let the other options go and accept your choice.

In some situations, we feel like we don’t have a choice, i.e. I want to quit my job, but how will I make money as a painter, or I’m in love with this guy, but he lives in Burma. While you can’t control other people’s choices, you can choose your next second–how will you move forward?

You always have a choice in how you live. Though pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

True, you cannot force someone to love you and you cannot force your dream job to hire you. Suffering occurs when you choose to force a result, hoping for what it could, should, or would have been. Yet, when you trust you and you trust the universe, you know that sometimes, “It is what it is.”

A couple of years ago, I went through a magical break-up. Don’t get me wrong, the break-up itself was a hot mess. I felt tremendous amounts of pain. We both wanted to force each other (and I want to force myself) to be people that we were not. The magical part was when I realized I had a choice in how I could respond. I could have seen the situation as a calamity, forcing and resisting the pain, thinking of how amazing it would have been if we’d stayed together. For moments, I did that.

jenniferandresen.com/

There were more moments, however, when something inside me saw the experience as a blessing. Every time a thought came up like, “We could have done/we could have been X, Y, and Z,” I chose to respond with, “Saren, it is what it is.” We chose to define ourselves with our past actions and who we are (right now, at least) does not align.

I said this: “I’m not sure what the future holds but I do know that I’m going to be positive and not wake up feeling desperate. As my dad said ‘Nic, it is what it is, it’s not what it should have been, not what it could have been, it is what it is’.”
—Nicole Kidman

You choose how you wake up in the morning. You choose who you’re going to be. You really can choose to leave this whole life behind you and go live on a beach somewhere. Likely, you haven’t made that choice in this moment. I’m not saying that you won’t make it tomorrow, but today accept the choice that you have made. How freeing is it to let go of the coulda’s, woulda’s, and shoulda’s and consciously choose to live this life?

To lament the choices you’ve made in the past or to suffer over what isn’t happening in the future, not only takes you out of the moment, but weighs this moment down.

You choose freedom when you accept this moment fully. It is what it is. You can take the next second to choose again.

“Although we have been made to believe that if we let go we will end up with nothing, life itself reveals again and again the opposite: that letting go is the path to real freedom.” -Sogyal Rinpoche