Tag Archives: self-hate

do you suffer from the perfection trap?

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marilyn-monroe-quote-imperfection-isHave you been called a “perfectionist”? It can be a great compliment, signifying your extreme effort to accomplish the best at everything you do. In practice, however, accomplishing anything short of perfection can create suffering.

By suffering, I don’t necessarily mean you’re on your death bed. Suffering can manifest in the form of anger, resentment, and jealousy.

Voltaire advises, “Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.” That is, striving for perfection becomes your enemy when it keeps you from savoring the good.

Begin by having deep compassion for your imperfection.

compassion

Compassion for yourself and others is a life-long practice of stripping away self-hate. Its realizing that your best effort in every realm of your life, despite not reaching perfection, is enough. You are enough.

Living a dynamic life means living fully in many realms, i.e. the spiritual realm, the professional realm, the sports realm, the family realm, etc. By definition, you cannot take on every trait of every realm. Yet, we still try…

I often try to be the perfect lawyer and the perfect life coach, yoga teacher, and spiritual being. Clearly, that’s a recipe for disaster. When I notice this strive for perfection, I release disappointment and work towards compassion.

“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” 
- The Dalai Lama

The most compassionate response is not to judge your perfectionist efforts. Rather, take a step back, see that urge for perfection, then watch it. Bring awareness to the urge without forcing it away. Slowly it will dissipate.

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the perfect trap

Now once you acknowledge this perfectionism is harming, and stake the claim “I’m a recovering perfectionist”, you may create another thing to do perfectly. This is the perfect trap–trying hard to not be perfectionist, that you approach the practice with perfectionist intensity.

Instead of feeling like a failure when perfection is impossible, appreciate every step you take. Some examples:

  • I accept that I make careless errors in my writing, even after proof-reading (a lot).
  • I meditate sometimes. Not everyday.
  • I’ll take more than 24 hours to respond to emails once in a while.
  • In a yoga asana practice, I cheat in pigeon sometimes by not going to the most difficult expression of the posture.
  • Occasionally, I don’t drive in a loving way and I honk at bad drivers.

We’re human beings and we have imperfections. Forgive yourself for not reaching the impossible. Shower yourself with compassion. Savor the good.

the weekend nurture menu: is it selfish to focus on the self?

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[As always, gluten-free, dairy-free, and refined-sugar-free!]

A friend approached me last week asking for advice on relationships, eating, and her overall quality of life. I told her that once she loves herself in abundance, those issues will fall away. Her response: “Isn’t loving myself that much selfish?”

Our western, modern culture trains us with a paradox of individualism juxtaposed with selflessness. In other words, we are taught the American dream, fighting our way to individual success, yet we’re chastised along the way for being selfish.

This is the battle of ego–”You’re not good enough” vs. “You’re focusing too much on yourself.” Notably, ego and arrogance isn’t just about being full of yourself. It also refers to self-hate. You hate yourself for not being this perfect image, but you won’t allow yourself to indulge in the means to discover your perfection.

Here’s a better question: why do you deserve your love? My mentor, life coach, and friend, Richard Butler, signs everything he writes with the answer:

YOU MATTER.

That’s it. You matter. You deserve happiness. You deserve indulgence. You deserve love. You can’t blame anyone else for not giving you those things when you can’t give them to yourself. When you live from a place of self-love, you can give from abundance and not from depletion. Suddenly, you are way more selfless by being selfish.

This weekend’s menu combines foods that embody this type of love… a creamy, sweet-and-salty soup AND chocolate cake. Yes, chocolate cake.

sweet potato, coconut milk, and peanut soup
serves 4

  • 1 tablespoon canola oil
  • 3 medium onions diced, about 3 cups
  • 4 cloves garlic, minced
  • 6 cups vegetable broth
  • 2 pounds sweet potatoes, peeled and cut into 1 to 2-inch chunks
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 1 13-ounce can “lite” coconut milk
  • ¾ cup unsalted roasted peanuts
  • 3 tablespoons lime juice
  • Chopped cilantro, chopped peanuts, and chili sauce or Sriracha for garnish
  1. Heat oil in a large heavy-bottomed soup pot or Dutch oven over medium heat. Add onion and garlic and cook, stirring often until the onion is starting to soften and brown, 5 to 6 minutes. Add celery, broth, sweet potato and salt, increase heat to high, cover and bring to a boil. Reduce heat to maintain a simmer and cook, removing lid to stir occasionally, until the potatoes are very soft and fall apart when tested with a fork or tongs, about 15 minutes.
  2. Puree about half of the soup in a blender in two batches and add back to the pot. Puree the coconut milk and peanuts in a blender until smooth, about 1 minute. Stir the coconut mixture and the lime juice into the soup. Gently stir over low heat to warm through. Do not boil. Serve garnished with cilantro, chopped peanuts and Sriracha to taste. [Try over quinoa or brown rice for a loving, complete meal.]

[adapted from healthyseasonalrecipes.com]

do you love yourself enough to allow this cake indulgence?

Granted, without flour, sugar, or dairy, this chocolate cake isn’t so rich and decadent. It is delicious and nourishing! When you give yourself permission to indulge–out of love–a piece or two will satisfy that craving.

chocolate cake
serves 6-8

  • 2 cups fresh medjool dates, pitted
  • 1 cup raw almonds or hazelnuts, soaked
  • 1 bar 80% dark chocolate, coarsely chopped
  • 6 organic eggs
  • 1 lemon or orange, juice and zest
  • 1 tsp vanilla extract or ground vanilla
  • 3 tbsp unsweetened cacao powder
  • 4 tbsp extra virgin coconut oil, melted
  • 1 handful fresh berries or thawed frozen
  1. Set the oven at 340F. Spray spring form pan with oil or cover cake pan with wax paper.
  2. Mix the dates and nuts in a blender and place the mixture in a large bowl. Add the rest of the ingredients an stir around with a large spoon for about a minute. Pour the batter in a cake tin.
  3. Bake for 40-50 minutes. Serve with love and berries.

[adapted from greenkitchenstories.com]

You’re not selfish for loving yourself. You deserve your love.

YOU MATTER.

xo, S

the weekend nurture menu: because I can…

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This past weekend I went to a fantastic workshop called The Triple W Forum, which stands for “Working Women’s Workshop.” I can give you a million reasons why this experience was ground-breaking for each and every woman in the room, but right now I want to focus on one story. Its the story of Angie Keister.

Angie was working as a development consultant in 2005. One day she went to work and had a stroke. At 30-years-old, she was told that her left side was completely paralyzed. Recently, Angie hiked Yosemite. In her words, “While a six-mile hike may be nothing for the average person, that was a miracle for me.” In the gift shop, Angie came across a shirt that featured a picture of Yosemite and the words, “Because I can…”

On Saturday, Angie looked out at us working women and said, “What do you want to do just ‘because you can’?”

Too often, we feel stifled by the things we think we cannot do. What does it take for us to know what we’re capable of?

Yesterday, I passed the Illinois Bar Exam. See, I’m not naturally good at this whole legal thing. There were countless times, in law school and studying for this exam, when I was sure I did not have the capacity to pull it off. Law school was a tough–wasn’t that degree enough? I kept asking myself, “Why do I want to pass this damn test?” The answer was always, “Because I can.”

By passing that test, like Angie, I proved that I have the strength to overcome my own hurdles. Sometimes we just need to do things, not only because of some greater purpose, but simply because we can.

Everyone celebrates this type of occasion differently. I chose to be by myself and bake a delectable, nourishing banana bread. Why? Because I can.

banana bread
makes 1 loaf

  • 3 ripe banana, mashed
  • 3 free range / organic eggs or flaxseed egg mixture (3 tbsp of flax and 6 tbsp of water)
  • 1/4 cup organic maple syrup, grade B, or honey
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla
  • 1/4 cup cold pressed olive oil or macadamia nut oil
  • 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
  • 1/2  tsp baking soda + 1 tbsp lemon juice
  • 2 cups almond meal
  • 1/4 cup ground flaxseed (you don’t need this if you’re using the flaxseed instead of eggs)
  1. Preheat your oven to 325 F. Combine the flaxseed and water if you’re not using eggs. Let sit. Lightly oil one loaf tin and then coat liberally with extra almond meal to prevent the cake from sticking.
  2. Combine smashed banana, syrup, oil, cinnamon, vanilla, eggs, baking soda and lemon in a blender. Pour into a mixing bowl to finish off the banana bread batter.
  3. Add the almond meal and flaxseed and mix well.
  4. Spoon batter into the tin and bake for 45  minutes to 1 hour (a skewer inserted into the center should come out dry). Cover the top with foil if over-browning.
  5. Remove from the oven and allow to cool before turning out the loaf. Serve warm or at room temperature. [Keeps in the fridge, covered, for up to 1 week.]

Treat yourself beautifully and lovingly. You’re capable of taking on the world. Why would you take on the world? Because you can.

xo, S